“He’s Looking at Me!” Complaints, Gripes, Whines & Moans
The three-year-old threw a tantrum in the middle of the Wally World department supermarket. He whined all the way to the toy section because his mom would not buy him a bag of popcorn.
The seven-year-old girl complained about having to sell Girl Scout Cookies and said repeatedly, “I don’t have any friends.”
The preadolescent boy and girl talked negatively about having to be home by 9:00 p.m. Their parents were afraid of not having enough information about the family who was hosting the party.
There is nothing more frustrating and draining than the constant sound of whining and complaining in children. The noise of the behavior, the disrespect, and the energy it takes to combat the emotional arguments are wearing. You can hear it at the grocery store, ballpark, church hallway, and the privacy of your own home.
Unlike some exasperating and bothersome preschool and school aged behaviors, whining and complaining will not stop on their own. The big question is, “Why does such an undesirable action continue in spite of numerous attempts on the part of parents to discontinue predictable patterns of whining?” The answer is simple. The irritating responses of the child’s “unfair” opinion about his/her parent’s views and comments work because the child manipulates the adult to get their way and demands the focus of the parent’s attention. Many parents are concerned that their children are fragile dolls that will crack when discipline is given, expectations are expressed, or consequences are enforced. They are worried that their child will be the one who is “without” and that might be seen as a poor reflection on their abilities to provide or be an effective parent. Yet the whining and complaining zaps the parent emotionally (and sometimes financially) and the frustrating cycle of winning and losing continues.
Where Does It Hurt? The pediatrician asks the question to get to the point and avoid guessing at the child’s problem. The compassion of inquiring about what bothers the child is valuable. Nothing comes from nowhere. It is vital to remember that every comment and emotion has a source and is a response to a need, fear, want, or hurt. Calmly asking the child to tell you what bothers them is a start. Remember that initially they don’t know or understand what troubles them but eventually they will learn that there must be an answer. Even though it is appropriate for children to express their emotions, there must be a limit to the extremes in which most children express whining and complaining. Each time a child responds with such continued and persistent negative emotion, consider what may be at the root of their hurt.
Set boundaries! Not tomorrow, today. Whining will not stop without intentional efforts by parents and adults to redirect inappropriate emotional responses. Some effective limits include refusing “to go any further” until the behavior changes. For example, pulling the car over into a parking lot will eventually discontinue the negative responses. Stay there until the complaining or negative responses stop and the child reacts correctly. Developing a zero tolerance for whining is a must. Any variance or letting some complaining slip by only encourages the child to take his chances of getting away with it, again.
Demonstrating your intentional and obvious distaste for complaining and whining will send a strong message eventually. It will take the child several observances of your boundaries for you to be believable. (Remember, children do not forget a thing and they still recall the number of times their deliberate or unintentional behaviors have worked.) If whining or complaining occurs in a public setting, leave the store, meeting, ballgame, or various events. Leaving immediately will speak volumes, especially the next time. Initially this may feel embarrassing but eventually will teach your child which is the key to raising children.
Talk to Yourself. Helping yourself and your child utilize self-talk will be valuable. Self-talk is a concept in the thinking process that will assist decision-making, communication, and relationship skills. Self-talk can be used to process internal thoughts and desires, check for proactive relational responses, and help oneself in knowing what behaviors are right or wrong. Self-talk is nothing more than asking yourself “Why am I doing this? What am I looking for? Will this help the situation? What are they looking for? What is my deal?” Obviously, infants and young children do not have the abilities to do this to begin with but can be taught as they acquire more in-depth learning and processing skills. Answering these questions will assist confronting issues of motive, empathy, clarification, resentments and expectations, compassion, acceptance, and enjoying life.
Your child is too precious and loveable to allow them to turn into the whining ogre. Teach them to express themselves but disallow them to embarrass themselves and you when they can’t refrain from complaining and demanding in public. Let them know that you refuse to be punished for their actions and will ensure that they suffer the consequences of whining, not you. Consistently praise them for effective responses and attach consequences to poor whiny behaviors. Always love them but teach them better ways to act in response to inner desires, wants, and needs. Win the whining wars!
