Life Is not Always Fair
Everybody has said and everybody has heard it- “Life is not fair!” Most parents have used the phrase as a default statement to the whiney, complaining, or disappointment of a child, spouse, or close friend. Often the response is a reply to replace the absence of not knowing what to say or avoid entertaining the lengthy conversation.
What is fair? For decades children (and adults) have responded using ”That’s not fair” or “He’s not playing by the rules” and the answer is almost always the same- “Who said life was fair?” Fair means different things to different people. For some fair is what is acceptable to them. Others define fairness as what comes easily and requires little effort or struggle. Some people experience fair as favorable, nothing real bad or good, meets their needs, or may not be without obstacles. Fair can also be clean, decent, reasonable, good, nonthreatening, or pleasant. But fair is relative and changes from person to person, day to day, situation to situation. Part of what today’s parents have done is dumb down their children by telling them that fair is going to always happen. Sometimes parents end up rescuing their student instead of teaching them to cope with the realities of life. Parents’ saving their child teaches them to expect fairness or a chance to escape.
Gregg was an educated man and was well known in his church and community. When his daughter was born the doctors told him and his wife that their daughter would probably never be able to see and might never be able to learn in school. It couldn’t believe the news! He had always tried to do what was right and volunteered at the Boys and Girls Club in his city. He spent plenty of time serving on the board for the crisis pregnancy center in a near-by large city. He was overwhelmed with pain and disappointment and wondered what he had done wrong. Life seemed so unfair.
Deal with Broken Expectations. Everybody has expectations, spoken or unspoken. Unfair happens when what we expect doesn’t happen like we wanted it to. Frequently the expectations are unspoken and exist in the dreams, unrealistic fantasies, or assumptions of an individual. Life has its way of disappointing persons and families when what they desire doesn’t happen. Staying involved with life and making adjustments, instead of running or conceding to the disappointment that perpetuates failure, allows for a sense of okness.
Gayle had always wanted her child to be a cheerleader, make straight A’s, and be on the student council. Chelsea, her 14 year old, made it real obvious that she wanted to be one of those fringe students who dressed differently and listened to strange music. The mother had done everything she knew to do as a parent. In fact her oldest child graduated from high school and was now in college. She was “making it.” Gayle wondered where she had failed and questioned God’s presence. Life did not seem fair.
There are Just Some Things That Do Not Seem Fair! The list of unfair things includes a child’s misbehaviors, a physical, emotional, or educational handicap, an accidental death, suicide, or miscarriage, and cancer. The inventory may also include being overwhelmed in a job, rumors, divorce, being cheated, or having alcoholic or abusive parents. The pain may be because a teenager dresses in unacceptable clothes or hangs out with the “wrong” crowd. Other unfair things include sexual and physical abuse, domestic violence, a birth defect, school grades, and parents disapproving of their child’s choices. Special needs children and difficult emotional issues can cause a parent to question God. When these things are in the families who live across the street or go to another church or happen to an enemy our responses are generally aloof, surface, or insensitive. When they happen to us they are crucial, huge, or devastating.
Chuckie wondered why his parents had divorced and he was forced to alternate weeks in living with them. It was difficult for him to keep up with where some of his stuff was and who was giving him necessary rides to birthday parties and school events. Sometimes he would be standing on the curb after ballgames and dances speculating on who was going to pick him up. This did not seem fair to him.
What Now?! Relying on one’s faith is crucial during days of unfairness. Being strong and courageous is more than just good words for a hymn or lines of a worship chorus. It’s more than a cliché. Strength and courageousness offer a promise for hope in the moments of injustice. Jesus can remind us that not even He got treated fairly.
Look for a reason and purpose to do tomorrow and enjoy what you have. Refuse to camp out on the difficulties of yesterday. Search for meaning in the current relationships regardless of the circumstances. Keep the big picture in mind. Decide what is really important and hang onto love in the relationship. Refuse to get stuck on unfairness and move toward some version of reconciliation. Maintain a sense of integrity and reject the temptation for self-pity.
Refuse to base your definition of fairness on your limited understanding of life and sameness. Too often people use a selfish barometer to measure the fairness of life. Nobody likes the answer, “Life is not fair” but there is much truth found in the expression. Spend more time appreciating life and less time evaluating its fairness. Don’t wait on fairness, rather live, enjoy, seek, and allow time to do the rest.
