Thoughtless Words
The All-Star team that I’d been coaching for a couple of weeks was playing in the tournament that would have sent us to the state championship. We were the lowest seed in this tournament and played extremely well. We almost beat the top team in the tournament in the game that would have sent us to the state championship. In the bottom of the last inning, we gave up two home runs that cost us the game.
There were some parents of my players and even a couple of coaches who felt like I didn’t make a coaching move that might have cost us the game, but I made the choice to keep my best pitcher in the game because I trusted his abilities as a 12-year-old. We lost the game in the bottom of the last inning, which took us out of the tournament.
In addressing the players, fans, grandparents, and parents after the game, I used the phrase, “You guys did exactly what I asked you to do.” I was referring to the fact that they had played their hearts out and had never given up all week long. They played well enough to beat the best teams in the tournament but fell a little bit short in this last game.
One of the parents felt like it was his right to step through the crowd and accost me verbally. He said, “So that’s what you wanted us to do, lose?” Of course, that’s not what I wanted. I’m a highly competitive individual and coach, and the last thing I would ever want to do is lose on purpose. But his accusatory words struck close to my heart. I remember walking away from that post-game speech, taking the equipment bag back to my minivan, and weeping. The loss of the game was disappointing, but his words were devastating.
Here are some things to consider.
When parents or relatives say mean things to you, why does it hurt so badly? Is it because of the lack of appreciation, or is it because of childhood pain? Is it because you need words of affirmation? Is it because you are always trying to give more than enough?
Consider the issues that other people must struggle with when they say hurtful things. Is it their own inferiority? Is it because they’re just plain selfish people? Is it because they can’t empathize with others? Is it because they just don’t know how to be nice, and being rude and insensitive is simply the way they are with everybody? Maybe they are thoughtless!
Say there is a possibility that what the other person just said may be true. Before you start devaluing yourself, questioning your own judgment, and assuming the other person is always right—or before you decide they’re foolish and assume everything you think about yourself is completely positive and accurate—pause long enough to honestly consider whether there is any truth in what they said or in the choices you made. Then respond differently, without beating yourself up, but also without becoming defensive or failing to own your responsibility.
Know yourself well enough to understand your hurts and your successes, and don’t let other people define those for you. Too often, we allow other people to dictate our ups and downs and define our failures and shortcomings. Know who you are and celebrate the good things about yourself.
Follow the advice of my doctor, who says at the end of every appointment (and he has for over 25 years), “Don’t let them kill you.” He is referring to parents, players, relatives, clients, and anybody else with an opinion.
By the way, five days after that night, I had a heart attack but made it to the hospital in time for the ER to help me survive. I lay in intensive care for three days and said, “If I ever get out of here, I’ll stop letting people cause me that kind of pain.” That was twenty years ago today.
